It's Hard Letting Go
by madelyn09
Summary: She wants to be there for him, to comfort him and take away his pain. If only he would talk to her.


**It's Hard Letting Go**

_A/N: Enjoy!_

Caitlin Todd starts to stir, slowly waking up from sleep. She feels colder than usual. There's no warmth radiating off the man that is usually asleep next to her. _'Not again,'_ she thinks. For the past few days, she's gone to bed with him, but awaken without him.

Kate gets out of her nice and cozy bed and leaving her room and heading towards the kitchen. She stops and leans up against the door frame. There he is, yet again sitting on the kitchen floor, with a cup of coffee.

"Tony? Tony baby are you ok?" Kate asks as she walks towards her boyfriend. As she gets closer to him, she notices the redness in his eyes. _'He's been crying again.'_

He doesn't hear her and continues to stare off into space, deep in thought. Kate crouches down placing a hand on his arm, "Tony?" she tries again. This time he looks up at her. Looking into his eyes, Kate can see the evidence of pain in them and the severity of it. She gasped quietly at the sight; she's seen him cry, but never like this. Never with this much pain and sadness.

She has found him here like this for the past week, but in all of those times, he had never cried. A simple tear down his cheek, and sometimes she noticed him holding them back, but she had yet to see multiple tears streaming down his face. She gently rose her hand to his cheek, whipping them away. Tony was grateful for the softness and concern she showed towards him, yet he couldn't find his voice to thank her. So they sat there for a few moments. Kate trying to be as comforting as possible without worrying, and Tony lost in his thought.

She couldn't take it much more. She worried about the man she loved and he was in an emotional state that she didn't really understand.

"Tony?" Kate asked for the third time. She was now sitting next to him rubbing his cheek softly. Tony's mouth opened to speak, but no words came. He just stared at her, unable to speak, unable to explain to her why he's like this. Unable to describe the terrible events of his childhood, unable to tell her of the evil he witnessed.

Tony turns his body and lowers his head to her shoulder. Then silently he starts to sob. Kate holds him tight to her. Stroking his hair, not sure what to say. She hated to see him like this. He was usually so strong, and he rarely should his emotions so openly.

They sat there for many moments, holding each other tight. Neither wanted to move from this position. They were safe and maybe not happy at this exact moment, but they had love in each other. Tony's voice finally returned and as he slowly moved away from her, he whispered softly, "I'm sorry Kate."

Kate took his face in her hands and kissed him lightly, to show him she was there if he needed her. "Sorry for what babe?"

Tony looked into her eyes, her sweet chocolate brown eyes, filled with care concern. "For breaking down, I'm the man, I should stay strong." He moved his face from her hands ashamed slightly.

Kate shook her head, "No Tony, you can't hide your emotions. Everyone breaks down, and it doesn't make you any less of a man. And it doesn't make me love you any less." Wiping away one last straggling tear.

"Thanks Kate." He replied, a slight smile crossing his lips. He grabbed her and placed her into his lap and held on to her tight. He held onto her as if she would disappear any minute and he would never see her again.

"Tony, talk to me, what's going on." Kate asked feeling how tight he was holding her.

Tony didn't answer, instead he just held onto her tighter, never wanting to let go. Kate understood what that meant, and they sat there in silence for awhile.

Tony broke the silence again, "We should get ready for work. We'll have to be there soon."

"Ok, if your sure." She replied. Tony only nodded, instructing Kate to get up.

They both got ready in silence, and drove to NCIS in silence. They enter into the bullpen to see the usual routine their co-workers participate in, McGee on his computer and Gibbs looking at a file on his desk. The couple makes their way to their individual desks entering into their own routine.

They didn't have a case so the day would be spent doing paperwork. Every now and then Kate would look up to check on Tony, and every time she looked at him he was doing the same thing. Nothing. His mind was somewhere else and she could see that he was holding back tears.

Kate stood and walked over to his desk, "Tony can you come with me?"

He only stood and motioned for her to lead the way. She did and they walked to the elevator. Kate pressed the down button, and when it _dinged, _she motioned for him to get in. Once they were both in the elevator she turned the switch and it came to a halt with the lights dimming.

Kate opened up her arms to him, "Go ahead let it out."

Tony started to walk into her embrace, but before he could hug her, he collapsed from the weight of his emotions, bringing Kate down with him. He sat on the floor while Kate knelt down next to him. His head resting on her chest, arms wrapped around her waist. Kate wrapped one arm around his shoulder and the other on the back of his head. Stroking his hair softly.

"Tony baby, please talk to me, I hate seeing you so upset. I want to help you if you'll let me?" Kate whispers to him softly, hugging him tight, trying to comfort him as best as possible.

Tony picks up his head, and looks at her, whispering slowly, "Kate, you're helping me by just being here."

"I can do more if you just talk to me." She tells him. He stands and walks to the other side of the elevator. Following his lead she stands as well. Walking over, she stops behind him, placing a hand on his back.

Tony continues to face the wall "There's nothing to tell."

Kate turns his body to face her, and grabbing his face making him look at her. "I don't believe you; I've never seen you so torn up before. Something is causing you this pain, and I want to take it away from you, but how can I if you won't talk to me."

Tony gently places his hands over hers. Carefully he pulls them off of his face and holds them in his hands entwining their fingers. Kate watches as he plays with her fingers. Then looking back up into his face she sees more tears trickle down.

Tony continues to play with her fingers distracting himself from the images and thoughts that keep coming into his mind. He can't think about, won't think about. Not now, not at this moment. He doesn't want to worry her anymore than she already is. He softly whispers, "Please Kate, don't push it."

She didn't say anything more. She just stood there with him, letting him get into a comfortable state before they returned to the bullpen. When he's finally comfortable he looks back at her, "We should probably get back."

Kate only nods, turning to switch the elevator back to life. When she turns back to face him, he envelops her into a tight hug. She hugs him back, tracing little circles on his back.

Tony leans down and places a soft kiss on her hair, "I love you Katie."

Kate buried her face into his chest, smiling slightly at his nickname for her, "I love you too Tony. I'm here when you're ready."

Another tear fell down Tony's face "I know."

The elevator _dinged_, and the couple pulled apart walking back to their desks and finishing whatever work they needed to do.

By 2 o'clock Kate had finished all of her paperwork. She looked across to see Tony yet again staring into space. She was extremely concerned for him. _'Why won't he talk to me? He knows I would do anything for him. I love him and he can trust me.' _Kate thinks as she watches her partner, her friend, her lover.

Kate wanted to talk to someone, see if she could figure anything out by brainstorming, "I'm going to go see Abby." She says standing and walking to the elevator. Once she arrives in the scientist's lab she is bombarded with the loud noise that Abby likes to call music.

"Ah, Abby? Abby! ABBY!" Kate yells across the noise.

"Oh, hey Kate, what's up?" Abby says as she turns off the music and pulls over a chair for Kate to sit.

Kate walks over and sits in the chair, "Are you busy because I need to talk to you about something."

Abby shakes her head 'no', "It's been a really slow week, are you ok? It sounds serious."

Kate took a deep breath and then started, "It's about Tony, he's been distracted lately, he doesn't sleep well, and every morning I wake up to find him sitting on the kitchen floor. At first I just thought something was bugging him, you know about work or a family issue, but this morning when I found him he had been crying. Not just a few tears, full out sobbing. And when I sat down next to him and he grabbed me and held so tight. Like I could vanish into thin air at any moment, like he thought he would lose me somehow? Also earlier today I noticed he was holding back tears so I took him into the elevator and held him while he cried for a third time. Three times Abby, I saw him cry three times today. Three! I've only seen him cry a few times and I wouldn't really call it crying. Abby, I'm so worried about him. He won't talk to me about it. Whatever this is he won't open up. He keeps closing me out and locking the chain so I can't get." Kate was near tears when she stopped to take a deep breath. Abby just stood and hugged her friend not sure of what to say.

Kate whipped away the single tear that fell down her cheek. "I just wish I could do something for him." She felt so useless. Tony needed her more than ever today, and she couldn't do anything to ease his pain.

"Kate." Abby started, backing away and sitting in the chair next to Kate. Placing a reassuring hand on Kate's back, Abby continued, "Maybe he's not telling you, because he doesn't want you to feel the pain he's feeling. He knows that with your heart, you would be affected emotionally also. Just give him some time and space. He'll come around when he's ready."

Kate bent over and placed her head down on her hands, "Time and space from what? I just wish he would communicate with me. Maybe I could make it better and help in some way. You know? He doesn't have to face this alone. We could do it together."

Abby hugged her friend again, "Kate I know you want to know what's going on with him, but you have to wait until he's ready, I mean the only way you can know something about someone is if they tell you right?"

Kate stood up, "Unless they work at a federal office and have a personnel file, a very detailed personnel file. Thanks Abs." Kate starts to walk out of the lab techs office.

Abby runs after her, "Wait Kate you can't just look in his file."

"Yes I can." Kate replies as she leaves the lab.

Kate goes down to the basement where all the files are kept. As she searches through the many personnel files she finally comes to the one she's looking for. The agent finds a spot in the corner where she knows she won't be disturbed and sits down. Flipping through the surprising thick folder, she finds nothing out of the ordinary. First it has his general information, next the file contains his background and work history and lastly it has all the cases that Tony was personally involved in. She's getting close to the end until she comes across a case that happened around the time when Tony was a teenager. She pulls out the very long and detailed case report.

The case involved Tony, his father, and his sister. _'Sister? Tony never said anything about having a sibling.'_ Kate thought.

As she read the report Kate began to get tears in her eyes. What Tony had experienced was ungodly. No one should have to experience it, especially at the age that he was when it happened. She knew there were terrible people in the world, but this, this was just pure evil.

Kate got up and ran out of the basement. Not wanting to wait for the elevator she ran up the stairs, she ran to find him, find the man she loved. She wanted to be there for him now, even though he had no one at the time, he had her now. She would be his rock, his shoulder to cry on.

Once Kate made it to her floor, she took a minute to calm herself. To make sure she looked presentable and normal as if nothing was wrong. Kate slowly made her way to the bull pen. But as she walked closer she noticed that Tony wasn't sitting at his desk. His computer monitor had a black screen, and the lamp on his desk was off. She also noticed that his stuff was missing; his bag and his jacket were nowhere in sight.

Kate looked around and saw Gibbs and McGee still how she left them, "Where's Tony?"

"I sent him home." Gibbs stated his eyes never leaving the file he was looking at.

"Why?" Kate pressed. It wasn't normal for Tony to leave without her.

"Go home and find out for yourself Agent Todd." Gibbs retorted back at her. He looked up at her with sadness in his eyes. Sadness for Tony and what he was going through, because Gibbs had also gone through a similar situation.

Kate quickly gathered her stuff and headed back to the elevator and out of the office building.

McGee had watched as Gibbs let Kate leave early, confused he asked "Why'd you let them go home early boss?"

Gibbs looked and glared at his agent. McGee suddenly felt stupid about the question, "Uh, sorry boss."

Kate had to take a taxi home since Tony had taken the car. The taxi pulled up to the apartment building that housed her and Tony's home. Kate quickly gave him the money and ran into the building. She pushed the 'up' button and wait patiently. The elevator finally came, and she stepped in and pressed the button indicating the floor that she lived on.

As she rode up towards her home she let her thoughts ramble, _'How am I going to explain that I know what's going on? Hey Tony sorry baby about what happened to you some years ago. Oh how do I know? I read it in your personnel file. Yea that'll go over well Kate. He'll probably think that you can't keep your nose out of his private life. But why did he keep this from me? We're in a committed relationship, we love each other. I trust him with everything; doesn't he trust me with everything? No Kate! Don't think like that. He loves you, but how do you explain to the person you love the cruelties this world has?'_

The elevator _dinged_ and Kate got out and walked toward her apartment door. She stood there for a few seconds. Staring at the door, not sure what was going to happen on the other side. She slowly lifted her hand going to place the key into the knob, only to realize that the door was already unlocked.

She took her key out and then made her way inside. Once in the apartment, Kate placed her purse and keys onto the table next to the door. Next she removed her jacket placing it onto the hanger. She made her way deeper into the apartment, as she walked by the kitchen she could hear him. She walked over and there he was, in the same position that she found him in this morning, the same position she would find him every morning for the past week.

"Tony?" Kate walked closer, sitting down across from him. Tony continued to stare at nothing, not realizing that she was there in front of him.

"Tony?" Kate tried again placing her hand on his leg. The touch seemed to alert him. He looked up and their eyes met. They held their gaze for many moments. He felt some comfort in seeing her, having her here for him, with him.

Tony grabbed her hand and was lost again. He continued to look at their entwining fingers but he was no longer there. He was off in his own thoughts again, which brought soft tears to his eyes.

Kate also began to tear up. Seeing her boyfriend so torn up, so sad and traumatized from the events that occurred earlier in his life, it pulled at her heart. She couldn't take it anymore. The sad silence was getting to her. She slowly moved closer to him, opening her arms to hold him, but Tony pulled her onto him, without realizing it. He held on to her tight. She turned her body placing her hand on his chest, and her head onto his shoulder, and silently she let the tears fall.

Tony came out of his trance, feeling his shirt's dampness. He looked down and saw her there crying. Seeing the tears and sadness in her eyes made him forget his own sadness for a second. He didn't care about himself at the moment, all her cared about was Kate, and making sure she was ok.

"Kate?" Tony asked placing his hand on her hair, stroking it softly, adding a simple kiss on top her forehead.

Kate looked up and again their eyes met, "Tony." Kate replied to his question.

Tony placed a loving kiss onto her lips, and as they pulled away she could see the tears coming back to his eyes.

Kate thought it was as good of a time as ever and told him what she knew, "Tony, I know what happened to you." She turned her head away not able to look at him. She felt ashamed that she had to go behind his back.

Tony continued to look at her, his features becoming stoic, "What do you mean Kate."

Kate continued to look away, "When you were younger. Your sister, what happened to her. "

Tony eyes grew harder anger and sadness evident in them. But by Kate's surprise he didn't seem angry with her. He seemed angry at the memory. Angry at the man who caused him so much pain, and who had ended his sister's life.

Kate figured that he would be upset with the fact that she looked in his file. Or the fact that she didn't trust him, and she went behind his back. Or even the idea that she couldn't keep her nose out of his personal business. But of course, yet again, he surprised her. Tony held onto her tighter (if that was even possible), and he buried his face into her shoulder, silent sobs falling. Kate wiggled from his tight hug and wrapped her arms around him. He moved his head from her shoulder to her chest. And they sat there for a long while, her arms around his shoulders, his arms around her middle; both had tears in their eyes.

They fell into a calming silence. The tears had finally stopped, but neither would even think of letting go from their embrace. But after many silent moments, Tony pulled away from Kate, only to move her back into his lap so he could hold her in his arms. He felt comfort in knowing she was there with him. When he held her, it felt as if he could protect, keep her away from any harm. Kate sat there, her back against his arm for support; his other arm made it in front of her and rested on her hip, leaning her head onto his shoulder. She had placed arms around his neck, both holding onto the other as tight as possible, worried the worst might happen.

Tony broke the silence, "Her name was Elizabeth it was her 17th birthday. I was 19. We had simple plans, dinner and looking out at the stars. We did that a lot growing up. We would climb on top the garage and sit there watching the night sky. Making wishes, creating hope." Tony paused and Kate noticed something similar to a smile crossing his lips. Remembering the memories of soft happiness. Remembering the little things that may be unimportant to some people, but meant the world to him.

Knowing that he was nowhere near finished, she kept silent, letting him continue. "I came to pick her up, but when I arrived I noticed _his_ car in the driveway. He wasn't meant to be home for a few hours, yet he was, and I knew it would be bad. So I got out of my car and walked into the house only to hear screams. He had already started to beat her. I ran into the dining room, I found her crying on the floor, all bruised up, and him laughing. Laughing at the fact that he was beating his daughter, his own flesh and blood." Anger grew onto Tony's face. He couldn't understand why someone enjoyed causing another human being pain. "I saw the belt he was using on the floor. He must have dropped it, because he was so drunk. I immediately grabbed it, and picked her up. When he saw she was no longer crying in front of him, that's when he noticed me. He grabbed the bottle he was drinking from and came towards me. I tried to stop him but he was a big man and over powered me. He smashed over my head causing me to be knocked to the floor. There was blood everywhere." Tony slid out from under Kate and was standing. The anger that flooded over his body started to take control. His back was to her, gripping the counter so hard his knuckles were turning white. Kate also stood up, walking to stand behind him. Placing a reassuring hand on his back softly rubbing it, silently asking him to continue.

Tony seemed to calm down a little at the touch of her hand. Remembering that he wasn't alone, and he had his Katie there for support this time. He would never have to be alone again. He would never have to feel the lost and emptiness that he felt that dreadful night.

"The bastard knew how close we were. I mean being only two years apart, we were best friends. There wasn't anything that we kept from each other. I swore the day I moved out I would bring her with me. But she wouldn't come. She told me she wasn't going to ruin my life by being a burden. She kept telling me not to worry, that when she graduated high school she would be out of that shit hole. I told her to come stay with me until she graduated, but she was just as stubborn as you." Tony turned to look at Kate with a smirk.

Kate playfully pouted and softly spoke, "I am not stubborn."

Tony smiled at her, and in the same soft tone, "Yes you are missy."

"Ok, maybe just a little." Kate returned his smile.

Tony hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head before continuing. "Like I said we were close, and the bastard knew this. So after he bashed my head, I couldn't really function right. I could see everything but the throbbing pain in my head restricted my movements. He noticed this and thought it would be fun to, as he put it 'play a game.'" Tony was disgusted with that remark.

He continued "He dragged Elizabeth by her hair to where she was merely inches away from me. Then he took the broken bottle and stabbed her continuously. He stabbed her, and stabbed her, and I couldn't move I couldn't save her; I couldn't do anything but lie there and watch. Watch him slowly murder her." More tears started to slowly fall down is face. The image of his sister lying there motionless, blood surrounding her.

Kate looked up into his eyes and whipped away the tears. She gently moved up placing a soft kiss on his lips. And as she pulled a way she whispered into his ear, "I love you, Tony."

Tony bent down to kiss her again. Once they pulled apart he looked deep into her chocolate eyes and spoke, "Kate I love you so much, I wasn't there for my sister, but I promise you I _WILL_ be there for you. I will never let anyone hurt you. If someone so much as thinks about hurting you, I'll make them suffer. No one will ever cause you pain."

"Tony, I know that. I know you won't ever let anyone hurt me." Kate told him placing her hand on his cheek.

Tony put his hand over hers stroking it lightly, "Today's her birthday and the anniversary of her death. She should be alive and well, maybe with a family, kick-ass job. You know? It's just not fair that this happened to her. She was so young. She was 17 for god's sake. You're not supposed to die at 17!" more tears started to fall down his already tear stained face.

Kate quickly took his face in her hands, "Tony you're right. It's unnatural what the two of you went through. The man who did that to you is a horrible bastard, and he deserves to rot in hell for what he did to you." Kate was getting angry. She was upset at the man who did this Tony. If she ever met him she would make sure he suffered for making his son suffer.

Tony turned away not able to look her in the eye, "The worst part about it, is what he said to the police when they came to arrest him. He pleaded guilty and his statement was 'The bitch deserved to die, she killed Amelia!'" Kate was slightly confused. There was nothing in the file about an Amelia. Tony noticed the look on her face and said, "Amelia was our mother; she died in childbirth with Elizabeth. That's why he hated her; he blamed her for the death of the woman he loved. People told me that he was a nice guy before my mother died. That without her he was just lost and lonely, but that's no excuse for what he did."

"You're right Tony. That's no excuse." Kate said softly.

The rest of the day, the couple spent together. They sat on the couch, Kate leaning against Tony, his arms wrapped around her tiny frame. He would tell Kate stories about his sister. When their father wasn't around, Tony and Elizabeth would do some crazy things. Tony also told her that if his sister were alive, she would probably be a lot like Kate.

Tony chuckled slightly, "Yea she'd be stubborn, hard-headed, and way to independent for her own good."

Kate looked up at her boyfriend, "Are you trying to tell me something, DiNozzo?" she smirked.

Tony ignored her question and continued, "And I hope she'd have your strong and tough nature, but also the care and love you show to people."

Kate smiled at the comment. He could be so sweet to her, and it always made her stomach flutter.

Tony watched the smile spread onto her lips. Smiling down at her he leaned in and whispered, "I love you Katie."

She turned and kissed him passionately on the lips.

When they broke apart she whispered back, "I love you too, Tony."


End file.
